In the early years of our relationship, Brandon got my best. I would spend an hour getting ready to go out on dates with him, actually get dressed for school, and I was more conscious of what I was doing or saying around him. I wanted him to know I was smart, confident, and beautiful. He, of course, knew that– no matter what I was wearing or saying. But I always made the effort.
He got my best.
In our newlywed days, I still did those things. I was finishing my last semester of college and finding the balance between student and wife was sometimes hard, but overall it was great. We still went on dates almost every weekend, and it was easy to be intentional with the time we had with each other.
He got my best.
When we decided to start a family, it was the happiest we had ever been. I would catch myself day dreaming of what life would be like with another family member, something we had dreamed about for quite awhile. Then the morning sickness started, and suddenly, Brandon was not seeing my best. I had all the early pregnancy signs: ligament pains, morning sickness, evening sickness, and I could barely carry on a conversation without falling asleep. This version of myself was not my best. We were both figuring it out– the changes in my body, the life we had created, and the new routine our lives would soon take on. After we welcomed Brayden, my world was consumed with breastfeeding, c-section recovery, and trying to be mom all while Brandon had to go straight back to work. Needless to say, Brandon wasn’t getting my best then, either.
Add in some postpartum depression/anxiety, and I think you know where this is going. He wasn’t getting my best.
What I’ve learned through this is that my version of my best has changed over the years. Some days my best is un-showered and on the couch with a kiddo that doesn’t feel the best. Some days it’s when I am covered in flour or other baking ingredients with the kids surrounding me, helping me with cookies or dinner. Some days it’s sighing at a sink of dirty dishes, but putting them aside to spend time with my family.
There are days where I do feel put together and at my absolute best, don’t get me wrong! My standards of “best” have just changed. I’m okay with it, too– as long as I am still giving my best.